Op-Ed: Note to Manufacturer: Immediate fix required for Romney 2012 unit
Note to the manufacturer: Next time we bring the Romney 2012 unit into the shop, software update should include all information about the pastry device known as the "doughnut" or, as some spell it, the "donut". Tone down amazement level, too.
(These are the instructions that would no doubt have been sent to the software engineers responsible for the Romney 2012 unit that is currently serving its corporate masters as it seeks the presidency of the United States.)
URGENT ACTION STEPS REQUIRE IMMEDIATE ATTENTION
KOCH INDUSTRIES SHOULD NO LONGER BE FACING EMBARRASSMENT OCCASIONED BY MALFUNCTIONING SOFTWARE IN THE ROMNEY 2012 UNIT.
Special attention should be paid to the software that controls the unit's lexicon of local colloquialisms as well as proper use of slang at proper times.
Update vocabulary software to include proper use of plurals versus singular. "Sports
" should not be referred to as "sport
." The regional refueling and dining establishment known as "Wawa
" should never be referred to in the plural; i.e., "I went to the nearby Wawa
" and not "I went to the nearby Wawas
If we hear the Romney 2012 refer to a visit to "the Seven-Elevens" we will fire the lot of you.
Update unit's pastry identification software. People find it peculiar that the Romney 2012 is unable to identify a circular pastry device with a hole in the center as a "donut."
For God's sake! The unit could not process the word "donut!"
SOFTWARE UPDATE REQUIRED BEFORE NEXT PUBLIC APPEARANCE.
While you're under the hood, so to speak, tone down the unit's amazement factor at common place events and devices that are of everyday use to the "regular people." Candidate should not display utter amazement at the sandwich selection procedure at the "Wawa
." Candidate should no longer display pleasant affection for what the unit defines as the proper height of trees. Candidate should discontinue references to personal wealth as a way of connecting with the "regular people."
Please review the video of the Romney 2012 malfunction at a recent event in Pennsylvania, and pay particular attention to the expression on the male reporter's face upon conclusion of the unit's performance.
We are early in the campaign season, but we should have expected to see these software glitches ironed out during the primary season. We should no longer be seeing such fundamental errors in the software.
Please remedy at first availability.
Software Design Supervisor
Head, Romney 2012 Project